God’s Presence in the Waiting
Written by: Airan Scruby
“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning.” Psalm 130:5
Our younger child, Marlo, two and a half, with giant blue eyes and an increasing number of freckles on her nose and cheeks. She’s clever and sweet, and also the mischief-maker-in-chief at our house. But until she turned two, she was nearly silent, rarely uttering a word or even babbling like most babies do. After many months of evaluations, she was diagnosed with childhood apraxia of speech. While a normal grasp of language lives in Marlo’s brain, it has trouble making its way out of her mouth. Many kids with apraxia are unable to communicate using speech well into elementary school. Only time will tell if or when she will be able to speak fluently (although her general prognosis is good). Time may also reveal other neurological “co-morbidities:” other ways in which her mind might work differently than other kids. These differences would likely permanently affect how she relates to others and the world around her.
So, we wait. We wait for Marlo’s brain to develop and show us its mysteries, whether it functions typically or in some other beautiful way. We spend lots of time in places actually called waiting rooms, in the offices of many doctors and therapists and specialists. My career in the legal field waits, while I attend full-time to our kids’ needs.
For much of each day, we wait for Marlo to speak. Her babbles and coos and growing collection of spoken words both encourage and frustrate, as we delight in the sound of her voice and try to decipher her intended meaning.
And as a mom, with a watchful heart that is prone to worry, I’m waiting on the Lord. I’ve prayed for insight, for answers, for outright healing. I’ve prayed angry prayers and humble ones, broken ones and hopeful ones. I’ve sat in silence when I can’t think of anything to pray. I still have days of difficulty and despair. And I’m still waiting for the Lord to speak meaning over this part of our journey.
More than the watchmen wait for the morning.
I’m not sure if God will ever answer the questions I have about what purpose Marlo’s struggles serve, for her or for His plan. I know that He could speak total healing over her if it was His will, but I don’t know if he will do that, either. Watching our children suffer is one of the most difficult parts of the job for any parent.
What I do know is that the Lord is well-acquainted with watching His beloved children suffer. And I know that even when we feel we are waiting for Him, God waits with us.
“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
I can’t always decipher His song, just as I can’t always make out Marlo’s words. But I am learning to delight just in the sound of His voice.